What would they do?
讨好者是怎样的

  • Riddle with: 在…上打许多洞,漏洞百出
  • Perpetrator: 加害者,犯罪者

Being someone who pleases people sounds, on  the face of it, like a very good idea. But it is pattern of behavior riddled with problems, as much for the perpetrator as for their audience.
做一个懂得取悦他人的人,这听上去似乎是一件好事,但实际上,这样的行为模式不管是对讨好者还是被讨好者来说,都有很大的问题。

  • People-pleasers: 讨好他人的人
  • Mould somebody to the expectation: 使某人符合期待
  • All manner of: 各种各样的

The people-pleaser is someone, who feels they have no option but to mould themselves to the expectations of others, and yet, harbors all manner of secret and reservations and resentments.
这些讨好型人格的人总是觉得没有别的选择,必须要求自己努力符合别人的期待。但是,他们的心里却往往藏着许多别人不知道的秘密,犹豫和埋怨。

  • Act like: 表现得像
  • In due time: 适时地

They act like the perfect lover when their real feelings are much darker; They give their assent to plans they hate,and they confuse everyone around them by failing to express in due time with the requisite courage, their authentic needs and ambitions.
他们表现得好像一个完美的情人,但内心的真实情绪却要负面很多。他们对自己讨厌的方案表示赞同,又会因为缺少必要的勇气,隐藏真实的需求和志向,无法适时地表达自己的想法,让周围的人感到困惑。

Why being a people-pleaser?
为什么会讨好他人

  • Poignant: 辛酸的,悲惨的

Putting it bluntly, we could say that people-pleaser is a liar. It sounds brutal, but people-pleaser is lying for poignant reasons:
说白了,讨好者其实就是个撒谎的人。这样说很残忍,但他们说谎的原因却很辛酸:

not in order to gain advantage, but because they are terrified of the displeasure of others.
并不是为了获得什么好处,而是害怕别人会不高兴。

  • Fly into volcanic rage: 勃然大怒
  • Be frank about: 易于接受
  • Annihilation: 灭绝,消灭

To understand and potentially sympathize with people-pleaser, we need to look at their past.
如果要理解和体谅讨好者,我们必须要了解他们的过去。

Perhaps our father flew into volcanic rage at any sign of disagreement,to present an opposing political idea, to suggest we wanted something different to eat, to be frank about our tiredness or anxiety. All these could threaten us with annihilation.
可能我们都有一位随时都会勃然大怒的父亲,而我只是表示了一点不赞同,表达了相反的政治观点,提议吃点其他的食物,坦诚地表示了自己的疲倦或焦虑。所有的这些情境都可能对我们形成毁灭性打击的威胁。

To survive, we needed to be acutely responsible to what others expected us to do and say.
为了生存下去,我们必须清醒地认识到别人的期望我们做什么,说什么。

  • Manically: 急躁地,狂躁地
  • Second-guess: 猜测,预测

The very question of what we might really want became secondary to an infinitely more important priority.
别人成为了优先级最高的考虑,而我们自己真正想要什么变成了次要。

Manically second-guessing the desires of those on whom, at that time, our lives depended.
我们急躁地去猜测别人的需求,因为那一刻,那才是我们赖以生活的重心。

Three paths
三种方法

However understandable the origins of our behavior, in the more reflective moments of adulthood, we might find three paths out from these difficult patterns of people-pleasing.
尽管理解了这些行为产生的早期原因,但在成年后,这些对应的行为都表现得更加明显,有三种方式可以学习,帮助我们走出这种讨好者的行为模式。

The first relies on reminding ourselves that our colleagues, partners and friends are almost certainly very different from the people around whom our anxieties evolved in childhood.
第一个方法是提醒自己,我们的同事,伴侣,朋友和那些小时候让我们焦虑的人完全不同。

Most humans can cope quite well with a bit of contradiction, a dose of unwelcome information or an occasional rejection, delivered with requisite politeness. The other is not going to explode or dissolve.
大多数人都可以轻松应对一些小冲突,接受一些不太好的信息,一些偶尔的礼貌拒绝。另外,不要爆发,也不要沉默。

We learned a very particular habit of relating to the world around a group of people who were not representative of humanity as a whole.
我们总是习惯性地用某一群人代表所有的人,但实际上他们并不能。

Secondly, we need to acknowledge the inadvertently harmful side-effects of our behavior.
第二,我们必须承认这些讨好的行为无意中也带来了有害的副作用。

We may genuinely have good intentions, but we are endangering everyone, by not speaking more frankly.
本意或许真的是好的,但我们的不坦诚实际上也会伤害每个人。

At work, we aren’t doing anyone a service by withholding our doubts and reservations,
工作上,我们心怀疑虑,保留意见,并不会帮到任何人。

And in love, there is no kindness in staying in a relationship simply because it seems the other might not survive without us.
在爱情上,害怕对方失去我们就活不下去而维持一段关系这并不是善良。

They will, but we will have wasted a lot of their time through our sentimentality.
他们不仅能活,而且不用处理我们的多愁善感能让他们节约更多的时间。

Finally, we can acquire the confidence to be artful about the difficult message we have impart.
最后,对别人难以接受的信息进行一些艺术性的加工,这会让我们获得更多的自信。

As a child, we couldn’t nuance the messages we want to send out.
小的时候,我们无法体会到那些所传达信息的细微差别。

We didn’t know how to craft our raw pain and needs into convincing explanations.
也不知道该怎样去把原始的悲伤和需求表述成更令人信服的阐释。

But now, it is open to us to be firm in our own views, but extremely genial as well.
但是现在,我们要对自己的观点更加坚定,当然同时依然很友善。

We can say no while indicating that we feel a lot of goodwill;
我们可以在说“不”的同时,也成全他人的好意;

We can say someone is wrong, without imply that they are idiots;
我们可以说某人错了,但并不意味他们就是傻瓜。

We can leave someone, while ensuring they realize how much a relationship meant to us;
我们可以离开某个人,但同时让他知道这段感情对我们的意义;

We can,in other words,be pleasant without being people-pleasers.
换句话说,我们可以做一个让人愉快的人,但绝不讨好。

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